I am in the very beginning stages of being diagnosed with breast cancer. I detected a lump under my right armpit just over 2 months ago. I acknowledged it, but just thought it was my lymph node acting up due to the bad cold I had at that time. After I was feeling better, the lump didn't change - the lump that felt like the size of a peach pit. I scheduled an appointment with my family doctor and of course, like all teachers, we scheduled it around our schedule - a time that wouldn't interfere with the school day, before and after school meetings, etc. So that scheduled time wasn't as soon as I had hoped for, but it's what I could get.
On January 19th, I left my appointment in tears as I was fearing the worst. She wanted me to get a mammogram and sonogram as soon as I could. But she never indicated that she was worried about what it might be. She just knew she wasn't able to give me enough information from an exam. I got myself together and lost it again on my way home as I called my rock, my husband, the love of my life, Cole. As always, his reassurance made me feel better. 2 days later, (special thanks to the snow that lead to an early dismissal from school - meaning I didn't have to take time off) I had a mammogram and sonogram done. Ladies, they are not bad at all! Not even close to what you hear they are! The worst part was trying to get "the lump" in the picture. Having it in my armpit made it almost impossible, extremely challenging for the lady trying to take the picture, but she did it! After many phone calls and waiting many days, 6 to be exact, a nurse manager told me that the results were benign. I slept decent for the first time in over a month. The very next day, the doctor called me and said she was "pretty sure" the lump was benign. My reply: " 'It is' and 'pretty sure' are close, but when you are talking about it being benign or not, they are worlds apart." I was referred to a breast surgeon. The earliest appointment I could get was Monday, February 23. I had to wait an entire month...
I called to see if I could get an earlier appointment. Not possible as they were now booking into the end of March. I asked around about this surgeon and other doctors. I heard excellent things about her and the facility I was going to. I chose to wait.
I'm very fortunate that I don't get nervous about anything! Not even when an administrator walks in my classroom for an observation! But that morning, I was a nervous wreck! At my appointment, she said that my reports were reading as though the mass was normal, but to her, it looked "very abnormal". I actually became calm during my appointment. I was relieved when she did the biopsy right then and there as I was only expecting this to be a consultation. It's amazing how things have changed! Didn't feel a thing, except a bit lightheaded and hot from the anesthesia. Nothing a cold, wet washcloth couldn't cure! I had a follow-up appointment scheduled for the following Wednesday, the soonest I could get in. This time, I didn't worry about scheduling around my school schedule. Okay, I didn't worry as much.
2 days later, the evening of Wednesday, February 25, my doctor called and my world came crashing down. "It's cancerous." My husband walked in the front door as she asked if I was alone. He knew right away when he saw the tears streaming down my face. I should have handed the phone to him. I felt awful for having her repeat things so many times. She didn't want to wait until the follow-up appointment to tell me. She even tried to rearrange her schedule to get me in sooner, but it just wasn't possible for her. She was in the process of the "what comes next" phase and told me that she would be scheduling an appointment with an oncologist to discuss chemotherapy.
That was a long night of visiting family and making phone calls. I'm a very sappy, emotional person and wow was I proud of myself for holding it together! The next day at school, I told my closest friends. I knew I had to tell the people in my building. I did not want to keep this a secret. I knew I wanted to educate people as I was being educated myself.
You see, I suffered for over 20 years from an intestinal disease. Very little was known about it and my family and I kept it quiet. Only those that needed to know knew about it. My life was a closed book. I choose, I want, I need to be completely open about this journey.
Thursday, February 26...Other than telling my friends and experiencing those emotional roller coasters, I thought it would be a fairly normal day. I'm not sure how many phone calls I received from Cole and the doctor's offices, but by day's end, my calendar filled up. I am scheduled for an MRI Monday and Tuesday I have a CT scan of my chest, pelvis, and abdomen as well as a bone scan. Wow! My doctor initially only scheduled the MRI, but after looking at the results of the biopsy even closer, she said she was "99% sure it was breast cancer".
I knew I wanted to share the news with all of my coworkers. I just didn't know when, how, where...I didn't know any answers to the 5 W's! "I don't know" were words I muttered so many times.
After sending an email out to everyone, the replies were so heartwarming! I knew I made the right decision to inform everyone and it convinced me even more to make this a complete open book of my journey!
Friday, February 27...I was hoping to only have to prepare for a substitute for 3 days next week. I will be out Monday for the MRI, Tuesday for the scans, Wednesday for the follow-up appointment where I will receive the official diagnosis and treatment plan, and with more phone calls came notification that I will be out Friday as I am scheduled to meet with my oncologist.
My poor student teacher! My poor students! I teared up as the thought of not being with my students 4 out of 5 days crossed my mind. I knew I had to tell them, but I knew I wasn't going to use the "cancer" word when I informed them. I also knew I had to tell my students' families. I had a class meeting and told them that I wasn't feeling well and I had to go to a lot of doctor's appointments next week. The hand gesture for making connections was running wild with my students! Their shocked faces saddened me when I told them that I would only be with them on Thursday. I told them that I had to have some tests done and unfortunately, they couldn't all be done on the same day.
They left that day with a sealed note to their families from me giving what little information I know so far. I never used the "cancer" word with my students but in my letter I informed my families that it was their choice as to what they chose to tell their child. But reminded them that I could not prevent what children say to each other.
Cole and I discussed my need to be open with this journey and I decided that it was time to start this blog. Cole is my rock and I am so thankful he is in my life!
My support system continues to grow. I am so grateful for the people in my life, all of the positive thoughts, prayers, and love! It's going to be a long, winding road with tons of hills, mountains, and valleys, but this cancer has no idea what a fight it has on its hands!
I welcome any comments, questions, and of course, love and prayers!
Welcome to my journey...
